45. I am still not sleeping

Jan - I know. It was a beautiful sunrise and I wasn’t sleeping anyway.

 

SR - I am sorry to hear that.

Jan - Yeah, some nights are just like that. I don’t stress over them. That makes them worse. What you focus on expands, right? I don’t want sleepless nights to expand. I had a challenging day yesterday. No matter what I did, I couldn’t shake off the sadness and how much I missed Murray. It feels strange as my time moves away from when he was last on this planet, laughing and planning his future. It took all I had to resist going to the shop across from my house and bingeing on chocolate. You see, it isn’t about the chocolate. That doesn’t hurt anyone. That is my benchmark for when I know the grief has got me. I want to live fully, Sylvia-Rose.

 

SR - I know you do. First of all, well done with staying in control of the chocolate.

Jan - I am really doing it so I can treat myself to an Easter Egg in a couple of weeks

 

SR - And you will enjoy every mouthful. It is a beautiful day today, and with your early start, hopefully, that will bring more ease for you.

Jan - Hopefully. A friend of mine commented about how I had worked so hard to find peace and joy again. If this is about ‘being’ and ‘love’, why would it be hard?

 

SR - Perhaps it feels hard because you are resisting it. You are resisting the truth. Each time you wish for Murray back, and I am not saying that is wrong, there is no right or wrong here, even eating a bar of chocolate isn’t wrong, but each time you wish for Murray in his human form, you are resisting emerging into the light, into love, the Devine love and the love of all your passed loved ones. That prevents the ease and joy from flowing to you. It is always there, for everyone, no matter what the experience.

Jan - I hadn’t thought about it that way. Maybe that is where my Ho’oponopono prayer will help. I have been doing that since about 4.30 this morning! You know those pesky, unhelpful thoughts we were talking about the other day?

 

SR - Yes?

Jan - The Ho’oponopono prayer helps to clear them. It doesn’t happen instantly, those inner condemning thoughts have been around for a long time. This feels like a lifetime practice. With each thought that doesn’t serve you, the painful ones held inside, the prayer honours that pain and says ‘I love you, I’m sorry, please forgive me, and thank you.’ It is about taking 100% responsibility for everything, everyone, and every experience in your life.

 

SR - Does it work?

Jan - Yes it does. It helps with the surrender you were talking about and brings you back to your pure self and the present moment. To this beautiful sunrise and the gift of this life experience. We forget that we are fortunate to have this experience. Though I never wanted the losing Murray experience.

 

SR - You are resisting it again. No one wants pain, emotional or physical, but you have it now, and resisting it doesn’t honour the person you have lost or the experience that is presented to you to allow your inner courage to rise up. You are all courageous and made from Divine Love. Love is the greatest power all of creation has. That is how the world thrives and grows.

Jan - You wise old rock! I love that. I will take that into my courageous and loving day. Have a beautiful one, Sylvia-Rose.

 

SR - You too, my friend. See you tomorrow?

Jan - I would imagine you will