52. You can't turn back time

Jan - Morning, Silvia- Rose.

 

SR - You are looking a little reflective.

Jan - Yes. It is that kind of morning. I also had some very sad news yesterday. The mother of one of Murray’s best friends couldn’t find the will and energy to keep living and ended her life last week

 

SR - That is very sad. I am so sorry to hear that.

Jan - I know exactly how Murray’s friend is feeling and what she is facing right now. In 1994, my dad also lost the will and energy to keep living. I know how tough life can get and I have looked over the edge of that cliff, into the abyss of darkness where it feels like no light can possibly get in.

 

SR - Those were dark days.

Jan - They were. I guess the difference for me was that I could still hear life around me. Plus there was always the experience of dad and knowing the heartbreaking legacy I would leave my kids with. They didn’t deserve that and that gave me the strength to walk away from that cliff edge that would have plummeted me to extreme darkness.

 

SR - Thank goodness you had that glimmer of awareness.

Jan - We never know what someone is going through. I knew this woman. She became my friend after losing Murray. She also knew Murray. He would be around at their house often as a young boy and a young man. She was beautiful. Like everyone who knows someone who died by suicide, you just wish there was something you could have said or something you saw.

 

SR - You can’t turn back time, as you know. It is about her family and friends having the strength to grow and learn from this. To embark on the journey this is taking them on.

Jan - Yes. And to do it willingly because it is a journey you can’t get off or change direction. Surrendering and accepting are your only options. I remember when Dad died, Mum gave me a card for my purse. It read, ‘God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.’

 

SR - I know that one. It is very true and very powerful.

Jan - It was my mantra for both Dad and Murray. It kept me going from minute to minute.

 

SR - You have worked hard on reaching serenity.

Jan - I have. Everyday. If you don’t exercise your mind with love and gratitude, it is like a runaway train and I believe that is the same for all of us. This train will take us to the dark recesses of our lives.

 

SR - It will. You must be careful.

Jan - Yes, Sylvia-Rose. But also know when you are on that runaway train and have the knowledge and understanding that it has brakes. You CAN stop it. When you are equipped with the tools of a serene life, you can be taken to those recesses and heal them. They are only dangerous places if you are unprepared for the visit.

 

SR - I guess that is where the tools you have been learning and practicing recently allow you to go deeper and heal.

Jan - Yes. That is the purpose of them. Before going on that journey, get the mind ready first. Mind body and soul, plus know people who can help take you on that journey safely. It makes you vulnerable but when you are with the right people, the vulnerability will become your strength. I remember a Buddhist quote, something like, ‘The cave you are afraid to enter holds the treasure you seek to find.’ That inspired me to find the strength and courage to enter the darkness with the aim of healing.

 

SR - Great quote. Perhaps that is what the first quote refers to when it says ‘the courage to change the things you can’?

Jan - Good point. The courage to walk into the cave. I think that is exactly it. The only thing you can change is you and your perception. To change your perception you must go to a different place within. That takes courage.

 

SR - It does. I guess you get so wedded to how things are and how you think, it is hard to let that go and create inner changes.

Jan - Very true. It is easier to redecorate, get a new haircut, or move house to make changes. The problem with that is you are still there.

 

SR - Sure. No quick fix.

Jan - No. It is a journey. And I guess some people just don’t make it.

 

SR - My warm heart inside this rock goes out to your friend’s family.

Jan - Mine too and Murray’s. It is a beautiful peaceful day today, full of birdsong. I am going to sit a while and soak it up for those who no longer can.

 

SR - Lovely idea. And live for those who no longer can.

Jan - That is my philosophy. I will see you soon.

 

SR - I look forward to it.